I love this feeling

I love that I can feel this way—this quiet, profound, poignant, tender trembley feeling. I love that I want him to play for me, and he wants to play for me too. I love that I listen to songs and tremble and feel like I just want to hold his hand. I love that I want to hold his hand, and I think he wants to hold mine too. I love that I long to be near him, and I even love my timidity in doing so. I love how quickly he gets back to me, and I love the feeling I get when he does. I love all the things he makes me feel—giggly, confused, tender, intense. I love the intensity, I love how my heart beats when he strums the guitar. I love the entire situation, even for the bad feelings it creates in me, because this is just amazing. It’s amazing to feel a way about someone and to feel that they may feel the same. I love our shared tastes and where they differ, I love all the little things he remembers and all he doesn’t. I love the looks he gives me sometimes, like he wants to be close to me in the exact same way I want him near me.
I love this feeling, I love this feeling, I love this feeling.

Everything is turning blue

Smokey mountains sing to me
I'm lost in rainy reverie
Oh how I wish I'd made the choice,
And how I long to hear your voice
As rain falls and my towels dry
And all I want to do is cry,
Not because I'm sad at all,
But rather that the world's so small.

Listening to: "Honey and the Moon" by Joseph Arthur. His voice haunts me.

On Love, In Sadness

I am neither "in love" in the traditional romantic sense, nor am I sad.
I am actually quite happy at this moment. From my dorm, I can both see the mountains and hear a flute, a drum, guitars and a harmonica. Today, while walking back from class, I heard a boy in a rocking chair playing "A Day In The Life". Do you know how amazing that song sounds acoustic? It didn't instill the lonely existentialism the Beatles' version does--contrarily, it made me feel awake, alive, enriched and in love (I had also just gotten out of African Dance, which does similar things to my consciousness).
I like to say that I am in love with everything. This is not a stretch--I quite literally find myself loving the most banal little things. Sometimes I am charmed by the curve of a leaf on the ground, other times I fall in love with the way my books, my feet, or someone's neck is positioned. Everything is lovely to me.
I've been experiencing the typical college mood swings--lust, confusion, joy, loneliness, stress, interest, ect. Often, I feel all those things within a span of five hours. My days are full of moments I steal for myself, listening to music or writing or doing yoga or cleaning or relaxing and thinking about the world (my favorite thing to do). My life never looks the same from day to day--it's a kaliedoscope of people, places and feelings, many of which are generated within.
I love every minute of it.

Jesus, The Mexican Boy

Love, in all your formless wonder,
Love, in all your faceless fame,
Love, you send my heart a-thunder,
Love: I do not know your name.


Iain Thompson photo credit.

Dreamer

I am, and always will be, a dreamer. I dream of perfect circumstances in which my every desire, no matter how far-fetched, flighty or romantic comes true. I dream of twilit mountains and boys with curly hair and love in their eyes. I dream of sprawling, sensuous summer fields and myself being the muse to the boy playing me music there. I dream, I dream, I dream. And hardly ever do.
I cannot regret the direction this dreaminess has taken me—I have the most fertile of imaginations, I can imagine nearly any situation perfectly. My mind is ever swimming with beauty, with bliss. Often, my life does the same.
The problem lies in the pattern. I often fail to act in accordance with my dreams. I dream perfection and do not expect it of my life, or I dream perfection and expect life to follow through exactly. I know this is not how life works—I daresay if it did, I would become bored with it. Maybe, maybe not. The fact that life takes such wonderful unexpected turns is what makes me so enamored of it. I am in love with the spontaneous, the unexpected. So why do I grow so disenchanted when things don’t work out like they do in my head?
I have an ideal for nearly any situation. Sometimes life proves to be better than this ideal, and sometimes worse. That anticipation makes life exciting, delicious. Not knowing what’s going to happen excites me and has not made me scared in years.
I will always have dreams. I have to try to not have expectations.

Lion's Mane

Love is a tired symphony you hum when you're awake, love's a crying baby mama warned you not to shake, love's the best sensation waiting in the lion's mane.--Iron & Wine

unguarded

I am to be ungaurded.

I guard my emotions from others. Why? I think I'm afraid they won't get it, or my intensity will freak them out.

I don't want to be guarded. I want to be open, to let people in.

And I will.